(MoneyWatch) COMMENTARY Are you afraid that employees and coworkers will think youre mean, a jerk or a bully? Maybe youve got the opposite problem ? youre too nice, too agreeable, not assertive enough.
Most people either try too hard to be something theyre not or spend too much effort defending the way they are. It might surprise you to know that, contrary to popular wisdom, research, and so-called experts, youll be better off doing neither and just being yourself.
No, Im not saying that managers, executives and those aspiring to leadership roles shouldnt seek to improve themselves. What I am saying is that most of the feedback and knowledge you need to do that simply comes with experience over time. It comes with the territory.
The problem is that, these days, people are sort of neurotic about self-improvement. There are so many studies, books and blogs telling you how to be a better employee, boss, manager, leader, whatever, that everyones sort of caught in a perpetual purgatory of how to be.
Perhaps the most obvious example of that is the whole controversy over how bosses are supposed to behave.
On the one hand, youve got the Bob Sutton model. The Stanford professors books The No A**hole Rule and Good Boss, Bad Boss suggest that bosses should be more civilized, respectful, nicer, if you will.
But a recent study, Do Nice Guys and Gals Really Finish Last, concludes that agreeable people earn less than their counterparts and suggests thats a cause of the gender wage gap. And a Fast Company article citing the study explains why being a meaner boss is actually a good thing.
To further complicate matters, Ive argued both sides of the issue, albeit from different perspectives. For one thing, human behavior is an extremely subjective and situational phenomenon. Some people are jerks all the time, just about everyone is a jerk some of the time, and some people are jerks to some people and nice to others.
And while leaders need to be assertive and confident, bullying people around doesnt do them or anyone else any good. That said, some of the greatest CEOs of our time ? Andy Grove, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Larry Ellison, to name a few ? have or had famously mercurial leadership styles, and thats putting it nicely.
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Now, I dont want to get in the weeds on this particular argument because, frankly, I think its a futile distraction and a waste of time. Rather, there are a few points Im trying to make by highlighting how confusing and subjective self-improvement can be.
Dont try to be something youre not
First, you shouldnt be mean or nice because some study or book says so. Successful careers and unique corporate cultures are built by people with strong personalities who are confident in their abilities and comfortable in their own skin. Theyre not built by people trying to be something theyre not.
Probably the only thing thats common among successful leaders and managers is how different they all are. Nice guys or jerks, introverts or extroverts, geeks or schmoozers, they all have their own styles, unique ways of doing things, and distinct strengths and weaknesses.
Success comes from your skill, knowledge, experience, and the way you reason and make decisions. Yes, it also comes from your motivation and behavior, but in my experience, that relates more to how you act under pressure and inspire others, not whether your nice or mean.
Ive known a lot of would-be leaders who were always acting, trying to please people, presenting a facade of something theyre not. Deep down theyre forever trying to compensate for the inner strength they dont have and the confidence they dont feel. And they werent very successful.
Self-improvement is a journey, not an event
Second, that doesnt mean youre perfect the way you are. Youre not. Nobody is. But the way you improve and grow isnt by reading every self-help book and research study you can get your hands on and walking around like a human weather vane, spinning whichever way the Internet winds are blowing that day.
Instead, think of self-improvement and personal growth as a journey. At any point in time, consider all the information at your disposal, including the counsel of your advisers and stakeholders, and then trust your instincts and do what you think is right. Do that until one of two things happens:
Something youre doing either succeeds or fails. Thats a huge potential source of information and personal growth, although youll learn and grow more from your failures than the successes.
Somebody you trust ? a mentor, boss, or peer, perhaps ? tells you something that gets you thinking about things differently. Listen when that happens. Dont take it as gospel, but consider it as a data point, no more, no less. If a bunch of data points start to line up in one direction, then you need to consider changing.
Sure, its normal to be afraid of change, to think you might upset some sort of precious balance. Well, dont be. Thats not going to happen. All the works of man and his attempts at organization notwithstanding, the universe always tends towards chaos and the business world is no different. The sooner you learn to embrace that and adapt, the better.
Finally, dont seek to improve or change out of some mistaken belief that its something youre supposed to be doing. Youll only succeed in undermining your self-confidence and the confidence others have in you. Dont seek to be different, but to be you and know yourself. Youll get a lot further in business and in life, thats for sure.
Image courtesy of Flickr user opensourceway / Libby Levi for opensource.com
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